Thankful

Tomorrow is thanksgiving, which means the usual explosion of "what I'm thankful for" blogs.

Since I could use a little reminder of all that is truly good in life rather than sitting around feeling sorry for myself, I'm going to give in and make one too.

This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for...

the most amazing husband in the whole world. He just gets me. Right now he's making me dinner and we are both singing at the top of our lungs. I'm sure it doesn't sound good, but I love that we can do it. How many people can you do that in front of?


a great family and a nephew #2 to be born any day now! My family and Chris's family are all amazing people and great supporters.

amazing friends. I don't know what I'd do without them. Besides meeting Chris, they are the best thing that came from college! They make everything okay. It is hard to leave an evening with them without your cheeks and abs hurting from the laughter.

Turbo! Having grown up without pets, I never knew you could get so attached to a dog. He is the greatest dog in the whole world.

my health. So my body doesn't cooperate how I'd like it to, but I'm grateful things aren't worse.

Chris's health. Again, things aren't working as he'd like either, but things could be worse.

my warm house and a perfectly good car. A lot of my students' families are deciding between heat and food this season, and on snowy days there are always a few absent because their cars won't start (despite the fact that they live a block from school, but don't get me started on that one...).

a job and an amazing class. I am still in shock that I only have twenty students this year. This time last year I had 28. 20 is perfect. They are an amazing group and I am thankful for each one of them. They deal with so much crap and they are still about as sweet as humanly possible. If you ever need a barrage of hugs, come to my class. That and they'll most likely sneeze on you -- but we're working on that.

flannel sheets, warm blankets, slippers, synchilla pants, and my new Sheila Moon hoody from Mr. Nice. I like comfy things. A lot.

delicious food and delicious wine. I mentioned hubby is making me dinner. It smells GOOOOOOD (as I typed that, he simultaneously asked me if I was writing that I am thankful for the food he's making, because "it looks gooooood" -- haha, yes I was hubby!).

Amazon Video on Demand. When Chris got hurt, we started watching all episodes of The Office that were available on online Netflix. Season 6 is in progress so is obviously not available on Netflix and NBC deletes the new episodes after a few weeks (and we are far too spotty of TV watchers to see it when it's actually on). We went into The Office withdrawl. We were sad. Then last night I discovered Amazon Video on Demand. The $2.00 an episode is well-worth the happiness of being able to catch up on the new season. We were giddy and dancing with excitement when we discovered it. Yes, we're giant nerds.

grad school. I know, it's not fun, but I guess I should be thankful for it, right? One day it will make me more money, afterall. More money = more comfy things.

Okay, I think that's all I can come up with at the moment. I hope everyone out in bloggerland has a great Thanksgiving!

I Spy...

Today the weather and lack of imminent homework lead me to a wonderful SS ride outside for a few hours.

The best part? On my ride I found an endangered species!

This is the most unusual species, pretty common around these parts not too long ago, but unseen lately. It is known to fly south in the summer and rumors have it that it is flying north in the winter. It primarily resides in Colorado, although its roots can be traced back to the midwest and even back to New York. It is also suuuuuuper cute!

It is complete with gray claws...

...a blue butt...

...a blue and white head...

...and speedy paws.

It even follows the path of the whale!

I'm happy it is back!

But shhhhhh, don't tell the doctors :)

Back in the SSaddle again

Today I rode my single speed again after many many months.
Hubby took many many hours yesterday to put it back together for me (some parts, including the wheels, are shared with my Frankendoo bike which was my primary summer ride). So many hours in fact, that he managed to forget to eat all day. I got home yesterday to a spiffed up, shiny bike ready for me to ride. Unfortunately it was also snowing really hard at the moment, so I had to wait until today to try it out.

I've ridden the trainer ONCE in the last six weeks.

And before that I'd ridden my bike ONCE since Chequamegon.

Yes.

Pathetic.

So today's ride was ultra painful but supremely fun.

After I got over the guilty feeling of being able to go ride outside while hubby is stuck to ride the trainer, I put on a lot of clothes and my new lobster gloves and headed out into the 35 degree weather. Today's destination: the good old dogpark loop by our house. The back area has been closed since June because of the plague (!) but now it is finally open again. I missed it.

We found my lobsters on super sale at Bicycle Village a few months ago. They are awesome. I can safely say, for one of the few times in my life, that my hands were hot. I'm in love.

The single speed was great. I only tried to shift a few times :)

I'm sure I'll get used to it again soon.

The best part about today's ride? For a few minutes there, I actually felt like everything is going to be alright. That's a good feeling.

Moving forward...

is easier said than done.

Well, we're officially at the "trying game" again. Doing what worked last time plus an added shot in the butt the other night = a bit of an emotional roller coaster ride.

One second I feel hopeful and positive, the next I am in tears. It's ridiculous and I have to blame the hormones. Otherwise I'd have to blame myself and that's not nearly as much fun.

We did make the best of the shot-giving though. Chris had to learn to mix up the drugs, assemble the needle, and then shoot me up. It was pretty hilarious trying to figure it all out, complete with a target on my butt and everything. This time we took pictures. If we have to do it again next month, there will most certainly be video. It's that funny. I've never seen Chris so nervous! Luckily for me, I hardly felt a thing -- until the next few days of course, when I feel as if I've grown an extra sore cheek to sit on.

Yes, too much information.

I know.

But that's my life right now.

And I'm okay with that.

In other news, I managed to force myself onto the trainer the other night for a half hour. I've had six weeks off the bike completely, despite the beautiful fall weather and a serious need to burn off some pent up emotion. Between work, two grad classes, a gimpy husband, and hundreds of other things on my to-do list, I've hardly had time to even think about the bike. Plus, it's hard to motivate yourself to exercise and stay healthy when you know that no matter what you do, your body won't cooperate to do the one thing it should be able to do. All of those factors combined equals a few dusty bikes around the house. I know I need to ride though. I know I need to get back to my normal routine. It will help SO much. So I'm working my way back into it. A ride on Monday and hopefully a few more easy spins as the week progresses and hopefully I'll be back to doing what I enjoy and feeling slightly more normal. I am even getting excited to hopefully start up my bike/bus commuting again next week.

Chris is excited to do his first short trainer session tonight after breaking his ankle. I'm excited for him to be able to get back to his own routine and building up some of those lost muscles in the process. He's doing great hobbling around on one crutch after Monday's appointment. He's putting weight on the foot in the boot and I can tell he is starting to feel a little more like himself. He joined me on our Kinder field trip to the zoo yesterday and he did an awesome job hobbling after me and three of my students all morning.

We were both so tired last night that we ate dinner, sat down to watch TV, and were both fast asleep on the couch within an hour. Around 7:30 we decided to move up to bed. Pretty pathetic for a couple who is used to climbing 14ers on the weekend and riding bikes almost every week night.

Oh how things change.

We'll get back though. We're both moving forward toward getting out from what is holding each of us down. We are both hiking up snowy slopes, taking two steps forward and then sliding back another before willing ourselves to move on and do it again.

Thank you hubby, for joining me on our slippery journey, wherever it happens to take us. And thanks to whoever actually reads this blog for putting up with my whine fests while we get through this crappy time. I can't wait to start having more fun adventures to blog about again!

And...

Since I can't stand to have bad news constantly taking up my blog space (as I recover from my first lovely bought of strep... that ruined my fall break...).

I bring you...

A dog with a buffalo on his head!


And...

A very Plesko Picnic!

(yes, our bed now serves as a bed, a table, a couch, and the perfect spot for catching up on all episodes of The Office in instant-Netflix)

And...

The inventor of the snowball!

(discovered when one cute dog took his ball into the snow, rolled it around, then pranced proudly as he showed off his new invention)

Finally...

The token "awwwwwwww" shot!


This weekend is supposed to be beautiful. I hope to be healthy and reunite with my pretty pretty singlespeed. I have not touched my bike in almost 6 weeks. That's not good. Not good at all.

Roller coaster

I'm usually not an "oh, poor me" kind of person, but seriously, enough is enough.

There are two ways to look at every situation and I am trying my hardest to look on the bright side.

My new typical response for "how are things?" is: Life has been better but it could be a lot worse.

I'm grateful for what I have. I may have lost something a few Mondays ago, but this last Monday I nearly lost the person that means more to me than anything in the whole world.

I have been thankful every second since that I didn't.

Heal up my sweet love...

"No matter the size of the mountain you and me will be side by side, ain't life and love one big roller coaster ride..."

High highs and low lows

So, I have to preface this blog by saying it will be sappy, emotional, and probably far more personal than any of you care to read.

But I have to write it.

As I find myself trying to pull out of a very dark hole, Chris encouraged me to write a blog about it. Writing seems to be a way for me to put my thoughts down and release the burden of holding on to them and... you know what?... that can't be a bad thing.

I've eluded to our fertility struggles on the blog before, but to make a long story short: we've been trying to get pregnant for a little over two and a half years. We've gone through plenty of stuff -- none too interesting or new to most people. This past month was a little more intense, requiring daily blood draws that made me end up feeling like some sort of weird human pin cushion most of the time. In the end though, it all seemed worth it when Chris and I saw a VERY faint positive on the pregnancy test last week. We both were cautiously optimistic as I headed off for yet another blood draw and then a whole day of waiting for the results. As I checked my email at the REI Starbucks between a school conference and grad class, I got the news we've waited so long to hear. Not only was I pregnant, but my numbers were labeled as "excellent". While I've always hoped to give Chris the good news in some creative fashion, I found myself mis-dialing our home phone number on the cell phone (and then mumbling something unintelligible to Chris once I finally got it right) outside the Denver REI store. Not so creative, but exciting nonetheless.

Everything was great. I immediately found myself worried that somehow this wonderful news would turn bad -- but that's my personality. Somehow along the road of my life, I found it "easier" to temper excitement with a little pessimism. That way I can't get too disappointed in the end. However, after a celebratory Starbucks date in the morning with Chris, I was driving to work and saw a church sign that said "worry is the thief of joy". It seemed oddly appropriate and I decided right then and there to not let worry ruin all the fun of the news that we had waited so long for. For the next few days, both of us were about as happy as two people can get. I, at least, felt like I was walking on a cloud. Suddenly 2.5 years of worry and pressure lifted and everything seemed worth any struggles we had gone through.

It's amazing how quickly everything can come crashing down.

After another blood draw and waiting for the news that everything was on track and good, Chris met me at work (rather than meeting me at the climbing gym as planned) with some terrible news. My "numbers" had plummeted and we lost the baby.

Now, as I have come to realize in the last few days, this is very common. In fact, everyone you talk to has either been through it or knows someone that's been through it -- and we know several people that have been through even worse.

Somehow, though, that doesn't make it any easier.

I have never felt so incredibly empty and horrible.

Instead of calling our family with good news, we had to call with "well, we had good news, BUT..."

That's not fun.

That night the horrible cramps and bleeding started.

That's also not fun.

At all.

There's nothing like that lovely physical pain to constantly remind you of what's going on.

It was a horrible night for both me and Chris. A night I get nauseous at just thinking about. I can now officially pinpoint THE worst day of my life.

As the days have gone on, things have started to look up. I can make it through the day without any major meltdowns. We even got out to the climbing gym last night to burn off a little frustration and pent up energy. The overwhelming feeling of trying to make it through the day isn't quite as bad.

I feel like I've been pretty strong through the whole fertility process. I've tried to see the good aspects -- for example, it completely challenges me in a way that nothing ever has. I can do everything right and still fail... but through that I've learned a lot about myself, a lot about Chris, and a lot about us as a couple. I appreciate those lessons.

While this is one lesson I could have, and wish I would have, lived without, I am starting to accept that things will get better. I still wonder if letting go of the worry allowed me to have at least a few days of total bliss, or if a little worrying could have ultimately tempered the shock and sadness. I think, though, that it was better to feel those few days of unexplainable joy than never to have felt it at all (I always thought that saying was cheesy and stupid, but now I get it). I can't believe the enormous support that our friends and family have shown us... and I can't imagine anyone going through this without it. I have the greatest husband in the whole world -- one who can put aside his own grief to focus on making sure I am okay in my darkest moments... I only hope I can do the same.

We are both still, undeniably crushed over what this week has handed us. Food doesn't quite taste as good, the sunrise is a little less pretty, and rather than walking on a cloud I feel like I am dragging an elephant around.

But we'll make it through this.

And one day soon, I hope to make a more happy blog...