Me against me

Well, time trial number 4 has come to pass. There's really not much to say. I got in my own way and I'm not happy about it.

I was motivated. That wasn't the problem. My legs felt good. That wasn't the problem. It was windy but I can't blame that either. The wind made me push harder and want to do better. Sure it was a bit demoralizing the first mile or two going into the crazy wind yet AGAIN this week, but it was that way for everyone. I should be happy that it wasn't hailing like the night before.

You know those cartoons where it's a person (or animal or whatever) and they have two mini versions of themselves on their shoulders fighting all the time? That was me. It was so weird. I couldn't stop my brain from arguing with itself. First of all, my computer decided to stop working as I left the line yesterday so I didn't have any gauge as to how fast I was going. That started my mind into thinking I was doing crappy. The other part of my brain would try to convince myself otherwise -- people were passing me later in the course than usual... that was good! Then of course the other part of my brain would say "yeah, they're just having a bad day in the wind, you're not doing well at all". ANNOYING! I couldn't get my brain to shut up. I tried to focus and get centered into the "zone" that I always hear about. I tried to sing songs in my head. I tried to think about other things. None of it worked. I tried to motivate myself in different ways but my other brain would convince myself that was stupid. URGH! Overall I know I lost precious seconds or minutes piddling around feeling crappy about myself. It was incredibly frustrating.

Michelle passed me later than before which was good, I should feel good about that. Jeanie surpassed me time-wise but didn't physically pass me (although she was VERY close at the end) which I should feel good about. But I'm very unhappy with the race. That combined with pent up stress from work resulted in a total breakdown in bed last night. Luckily Chris had a "Plesko peptalk" ready and he pulled me through it. I didn't sleep well at all. When I did sleep I'd only dream about getting fired. It was a long night. I was happy to get out of bed this morning and away from thinking about the race. Luckily, the kids cracked me up today. They were in a super sarcastic mood today and so was I -- we made a great bunch.

New rumor is that probationary teachers should hear about our jobs after 1:00 tomorrow via letter. I'm trying not to get my hopes up that it will actually happen. At this point I'd rather know NOW, either way. Enough with the unknowns and rumors.

Seatpost still hasn't shown up. Freaking UPS. "Delivered" my butt.

I'm in a good mood, really I am...